Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Perhaps if you directly administered sedative into my heart - i can't help but feel hurt
I had a lot of fun today, Supposedly. Slept barely 5 hours, went tampines to swim, something i havent done in ages. I was really happy and i liked the way the real world seems when i am underwater. I know, this is bad. This means till today, i still wish my existance was just a lie.
If only i could take a break and see my life as a 3rd person. Time is running out. Lying on my bed on cooling afternoons where there's noone at home, i can hear the trusty old Mickey Mouse clock ticking life away
And yet i still do nothing. Not as much as i could do, anyway.
Back to today. After swimming, it was lunch. Lunch, then 4 hours straight of playing pool. Got level up. LOL. But i was a bit distracted, Jack didnt sound happy. Felt like a total idiot when im missing him so much and the messages i receive from him sound so cold and unfriendly.
It's ok. Then dinner at bugis. And we went to the arcade. The LAN is up already, it looks good with a whole army of computers. Played Mario Kart, and hogged the machine. Cos the previous users hogged the machine too. Boo. Got thrashed by 2 strangers at the last round.
It's a fun day, no doubt. Just wanted to let jack know that i missed him, only to hear the words "had enough fun then remember me har?"
I felt like crap. If he wasnt happy, i cant possibly be happy. No matter what happens. This is how important he is to me. I let him know this, but he didnt change his tone of talking. I had enough. Some X-Japan it was for me on the train ride home.
And after swimming, walking, playing pool and more walking - my legs became wobbly. Like jelly. They dont hurt, but i limped all the way home. But on the way home 1 though struck me hard. I must have been a rather difficult girlfriend. But anyway jack doesnt care at this point of time. So i am currently ignoring him.
Well... the thing with both of us is that we are not angry with each other at all, but just looking for some comfort and love. But the way we ask for it is by emotional blackmail and spiteing each other. Sigh. Actually, i was only angry at him being uncaring for 10 minutes, but he continued to sulk
I feel a bit tired. Maybe i will regret not making effort to assure him and stuff. But i am so drained. I just feel that if he isnt happy i CANT BE HAPPY. Something is wrong, i am getting too sticky.
It's like, there's so many things to fix. And the addiction to him isnt easy. I really don't need my family to make things worse.
It's just 4th october, 5 days after payday.
And i have already busted over a third of my last drawn salary. Traveling is really costing me a bomb. This is bugging me greatly. I need to be stronger. I got a feeling that i just wanna take sleeping pills and knock myself out.
1 thing for sure, i'm going to swim again, and again and again.
If only jack knows, that even when swimming just now, i wish he would be the one who's laughing with me, acting like kids and having fun.
I wish i dont have to deal with the fear of losing jack. I know that anything might happen - he can fall for someone anytime, and vice versa. I wish i would just be able to trust people again.
It dawned upon me that even when confiding in uncle dan, i always cover up details or hide certain stuff.
A hundred lies just makes me colder
11:41 PM
